A few times each year I have a morning where I wake up and realize that nothing, absolutely nothing, is as I thought it would be three or four months before.

But a mentor of mine wrote me this:
"He will take care of you. Don't worry, He has a plan for you. You don't have to understand it. Just have the courage to make the decision. Have some Faith, it will be OK."

My faith in God is pretty okay, still pretty groundless but constant, at the very least.
My faith in myself is consistently growing shakier and I have started to become a little jaded -- even people I wouldn't expect to pay attention have noticed.

I have to try harder.

I've asked my friends, and they all agree that you're exactly the kind of trouble that I need...

Last night I had the night of a lifetime.

Last week wasn't good.  I had to do something I really didn't want to do surrounding the confrontation of a friend with a disordered eating problem, on top of my own anxiety, extreme midterm stress, starting to get sick, and a bunch of events that took up a lot of time, but were for charity... it was pretty hard.  

But last night happened, and last night was one of those experiences that can't help but renew you.  Nuit Blanche is an "all night contemporary art thing" -- all of Toronto out from 7 pm to 7 am experiencing art set up all over our own city.

I saw people I hadn't seen in months, and more than that, I felt so much, so constantly, for 11 straight hours.  

It was really special.  That's all I can really say about it.

So this is pretty much the best week ever. Love my new job and coworkers, love being able to go to work dressed casually, more or less rid of the Italian, and I had dinner in TO last night! Little Italy, a beautiful night. Drove there in Andrew's Land Rover with the top down, Greg and Lila in the back. Met up with Cullen, Yuri, Binkley and Michelle later... besides being entirely too short lived, it was pretty amazing, I just love those people, and that place. I felt great. Friday is a house party at Binkley's, where I will see the above minus Yuri, PLUS Shams, Steph and Sarah Dev, who are coming from afar.

Question: is it wrong to ditch my family and the family cottage for two nights in order to spend three in Ottawa with three van-fulls of friends, going up paying only for gas, and staying with friends, therefore paying only for food and entertainment? I mean... it'd be a spectacular trip, being in Ottawa on Canada Day -- haven't been there since I was a kid, I think I'd appreciate it more now, and so many people are going, plus Greg Corriveau is there, and I MISS him, and I want to go...

Day off. Well, pseudo-day off, I'm about to get a phone call asking me to come in because Allison, who quit, doesn't feel like working her last shift. Wonderful things in my life include my new job, for ScotiaBank. I'm not really sure what the JOB is, but it's in an office and they're paying me $12/hour to do it, full time days, which is really all I wanted in life. Combined with SoftMoc (and a high possibility of me winning an IPod Nano for selling lots of insoles), I'm going to make a bundle this summer, and I really WILL be able to go to France next summer! Financial game plan:

Money made this summer: approx. $9000. Savings: $2500 Loan: $1200ish (it'll change when they find out I've made some decent money) Nan and Poppa Scholarship for People Whose Grandparents Love Them: $2000 Mom and Dad: $1000 (books). Total: 15 000, assuming I probably spend $700 this summer. $9000 is left after paying for school, and $2000 will be budgetted for Life Money during the year ($1000 per semester). So, $7000 is in savings.

Summer Abroad to Tours in France is about $5500, including spending money. If I work two months retail before I leave, I'll make $1500. I can likely get financial support from President Gooch, who repeatedly has stated that all students who want to should be able to have an international experience at some point in their post-secondary education, regardless of financial situation. I can probably also get OSAP for it (and def. for the next school year, they'll give me about $5000 if I'm not working), and the program has $1500 scholarships I might get due to being OSAP qualified.

Point: THIS IS ACTUALLY PLAUSIBLE! I could spend July 2007 in France!!!

Also, I will be seeing my TO family very soon, and couldn't be more excited. Everything is exciting now. I almost want to clean my ROOM I'm so excited.

But I won't.

So I hate to be all emo, and I promise not to cut myself or start wearing heavy eyeliner, but this effing sucks. I think that I literally have run out of job options, I don't even know what to do now. Today, I walked to the organic food store, even though I didn't really need to and could've taken a bus, just to waste two hours. And that's fine, whatever, walking is good, but I don't know how to make time pass faster. I might start volunteering somewhere, I completely give up on anyone paying me to do anything. I WILL GO TO FRANCE next summer, no more of this shit.

So I've decided that I'm doing Summer Abroad to France next summer. I hate summer, and I clearly can't get work anyway, so why not earn a credit and take out some more loans? I'm going to go on the theory that, if I hadn't gotten a donship, I'd be taking out MORE than that in loans anyway, and not going to France or earning a French language credit. I'm taking French instead of doing the drama major, I feel uncultured without it, and feel it was a poor life decision to drop it in favour of taking Jazz 2. Because where am I now? Not taking music, and unable to get a job because I don't speak French. It'd be an entire month in Tours, with trips to Paris. Taking a class, chillin in France... sounds pretty amazing to me. So I'm doing it, that's that. Can't wait to tell my parents... bwahaha...

I worked out my schedule for next year's classes, and it looks as though I have Fridays completely off. yessssssss.

Shams, I talked to Andrew today. No malaria, but he does have a cold and a fever, and in not so many words he told me that working with Chinese people is frustrating. Still alive, though, and having fun.

I applied for the Vic College Union Award today, it's for people who don't quite get As but participate in college life. Keep your fingers crossed, it'll be much easier to get my parents to be nice about France if I have a $1000 scholarship.

Today: doing nothing for a while, maybe read a book outside, do some cardio, have dinner with dad, do some more nothing... I'm getting REALLY good at it, seriously.

Anyone wanna hit T.O. tomorrow?

So I woke up this morning and walked into the kitchen and my mom says, "Get out of my sight." Honestly, that's it. So I shrugged and was like... "okay", and went to my room and started cleaning, because that's the best possible course of action when she's mad at me. And then 45 minutes later she walks in and says, "you can come out now, I was angry and would've said something I would have regretted." And I thought, "seriously? Did you send me to my room? Honestly?"

The moral of the story is, once you move out, stay out.

So Week 3 of The Worst Summer of All Time actually started with a bang -- I'd like to thank the High School Crowd and Wild Vines Strawberry White Zinfindel for the good times. Highlights include Alex's wild stories, Panic!, listening to Laura and Alex recite Anchorman, karaoke, and chillin on the deck in the COLD... I'll believe it's summer when I can not wear a coat and complain about the wind's effect on my hair.

Today I cleaned up after you party animals, threw away my poorly baked cheesecake, watched Breakfast at Tiffany's, which was much darker than I had assumed it would be, and showered really late. Tomorrow's plans include finding Shawn as he ditches work on the east mountain, applying at Eddie Bauer and acting like I didn't avoid it for a full two weeks, joining the Y, counting calories as per usual (because I have NOTHING ELSE TO OCCUPY MY MIND WITH), and maybe even making a path from my bedroom door to my bed.

And, on an early note:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHAMS!
I love you like a fat kid loves cake.
Can we go on our MK & Ashley adventure now? I think we've held off long enough, we put effort into this summer, and it's not giving back. Abandonment seems inevitable.

Do you ever feel like you can't really write what you want to? Like this isn't private enough, I guess.

Birthday was good, it was wonderful to be able to spend it in both cities, even though it would've been much better to have ALL of my friends in Toronto. Although it's not like I'd ever pass up time alone with Andrew Nobrega.

Don't judge me.

I might get my Shakespeare camp back.

I just want it to be August, I mean, I think summer will be fun, I just wouldn't mind if it was already a memory. And yet, a week went by pretty fast.

Nope, none of this was what I planned to say.

Over after two dates, which, remarkably, is not my record. Fancy that.

I can't deal with unnecessary pressure this summer, this is my RELAXATION summer, not the summer of being pushed into things I'm not ready for because people have decided it's a great idea.

Places I applied to today:
six jobs on the HRCC-S bank
One secretary job
Whiskey Joe's
A Better Place Pub and Grill
The Egg and I
Montana's
Kelsey's
Mexicali Rosa's
The Whistling Walrus
Turtle Jack's
Swiss Chalet
East Side Mario's

SOMEONE HIRE ME, PLEASE.

Or don't. Sara and I will go on our Mary Kate and Ashley adventure, forget all this.

I can't wait until Real Summer starts.

So here I am.

I'm pretty sure that was the best year ever. Leaving was heart-breaking, mostly because I'll miss my friends so much... they're not just friends, they're family, and a chosen family, which makes me love them all the more. We've promised to get together for a weekend in June, which I will essentially count down to, because I need it to happen. Everyone's scattering -- Steph to VA, Sarah to BC, Steve to Cayman, Andrew to China/Algonquin, Sara to wherever the hell she lives [;)], Sarah to Kingston, Amber to Ottawa, Astrid and Katie to their middle of nowhere towns, which aren't even the same middle of nowhere towns as Sara's. Toronto is home to me, and it sucked to leave it.

However, I'm going to have a stellar summer, mainly because I've decided to. May 6th to August 18th = good times, ya hear? I'm going to find an easy job, and keep running, and probably buy turbojam, because it looks HILARIOUSLY fun, and we will have all the good times we have in years past. I'd like to let you know right now that I will never make an appearance at Philthy's club night. I'm not judging you, I just can't do it. I want to paint my room, anyone who's down for some of that, let me know. Also, I want to cook a lot, and spend at least three hours a week rocking out to Dave Matthews, who, along with Strawberry Wild Vines, got me through my packing endeavour.

My birthday is next Thursday, you all belong to me after 9 o'clock.

Dating is hard, I don't even know if I'm doing it, I'm pretty sure there are games being played, but as usual, I'm not good at them. I feel like when someone tells you you were meant to be and that he can see himself marrying you, it shouldn't be that long a stretch to expect to be asked out, yet I still had to do some fishing for it, what IS it with guys and intense casuality? I'm terrible at this.

So I'm pretty sure I'm going to date Steve Diotte this summer, at least give it a shot. He's grown up -- he's even getting rid of the gino-mobile he drove all through high school -- and apparently has come out of his Looking for a Piece of Hot Ass phase into his Looking for a Good Woman phase, judging by his no longer subtle conversational points that often begin with phrases such as "See, this is why we should be together." I don't see him much these days, but we've kept in touch really well over the years, and I definitely wanted to date him five years ago, haha... so I'm likely going to give it a shot. Something to look forward to, anyways, beyond GOOD times with the Hammer crew, including beaches, patios, tequila, and listing the ways in which certain people roll... I'm sort of looking forward to it now :) Plus, exams effing suck, enough said.

I should've gone to church instead.

I suuuuuuuuuuuck.

I
am
a
DON

Best thing that ever happened, ever. Ever.

Well guess what, I fucking hate everything.

Overstatement? Sure. But wow, I'm bored, yet stupid busy, and I'm tired, yet I don't feel like I've earned it. I'm totally burnt out on the educational front, I haven't been to Shakespeare 220 in ...well, going on three weeks now. I don't think I'm getting my donship, as I don't think she's called my references yet. I want to be in Toronto for the summer, except I can't find a job ANYWHERE, never mind here. I just had a conversation with the boy-of-my-dreams-who-is-too-good-for-me in which he asked me, "if you had to choose anyone for me to date who would it be" and I couldn't possibly bring myself to say, "ME! ME! Date ME!", so I just listed a bunch of things I want for him, that may or may not all be found in me. Ultimately, I lack certainty, and certainty is just one of those things I need.

Dear University of Toronto:

Fuck off, life ruiner.

Love, Carrie

PS: I am tired.